I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
How did we not see this back then?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.