for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
You Might Also Like
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world