The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.