One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
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You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
rapatouille
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.