Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.