Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating