Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
You Might Also Like
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”