A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Seductively sings in Klingon.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!