So, can we agree on 4 or
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Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka