Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I ate everything, including the H.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.