“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
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Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Google assistant rules
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.