Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine