I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
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why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.