I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”