Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.