“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I only treason on days ending in y
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Home is where your toilet is.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.