Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You Might Also Like
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
listen closely
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.