My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.