My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
🤭😂
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start