They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.