Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
This is a sub tweet
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes