Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.