HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.