I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.