I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
i was baptized in a car wash
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.