You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok