[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”