This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
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He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Check out the legs on this baby
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Body by Oreos
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters