It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?