So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me in tagged photos
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”