My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon