30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Bout to have the best sleep of my life