Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
LOL
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I have many caverns
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.