Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird