“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Help Wanted
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?