T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
quarantine day 3
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due