“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
seems fine
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears