My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me trying to “trust the process”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.