yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them