WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You Might Also Like
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My birthstone is kidney
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.