“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will