Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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New Tinder profile.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
#catsoftwitter
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits