if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman