We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
True?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.