Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Good Morning.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit