I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Challenge accepted.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*