I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
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Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea