If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.