side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies