Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster